Those of you whom I unfollowed have been added to a list called AwesomePpl. This is so I can still follow your tweets, and my phone won’t explode in my hands every time I log in to Twitter.

In other words, please don’t freak out and think I don’t like you anymore. I love you, but my phone app hates both of us.

I fixed this for you:

Sincerely,

Me

Chaske Spencer and Tinsel Korey
The Twilight Saga: New Moon

Shameless Fangirl Nomination No. 2: Best Fight

Jacob Black vs. Paul
The Twilight Saga: New Moon

Fangirl FAIL Nomination No. 1: Best Villain

Christoph Waltz
Inglorious Basterds

You can write in The Volturi or Aro or whatever. I voted for Christoph Waltz from Inglorious Basterds because well, c’mon. Have you SEEN his performance? It will PWN you. Plus his acceptance speeches are delightfully German.

This NEEDS to WIN Nomination No. 1: Best WTF Moment

Robert Pattinson & Kristen Stewart
The Twilight Saga: New Moon
Alice Cullen’s vision of the future reveals Edward and Bella frolicking like mountain goats in a cheesy Julie Andrews film.

Shameless Fangirl Nomination No. 3: Best Ass Kicking Star

Daniel Cudmore
The Twilight Saga: New Moon

Because anyone who whoops Edward’s ass that hard deserves a goddamn trophy.

Fangirl FAIL Nomination No. 2: Best Scared-As-Shit Performance

Katie Featherston
Paranormal Activity

Again, c’mon, we’re reasonable people here. Bella didn’t get dragged out of her bed by a fucking demon with a hate boner.

Shameless Fangirl Nomination No. 5: Best Female Breakout Star

Tinsel Korey
The Twilight Saga: New Moon

Because she chose the right team.

Shameless Fangirl Nomination No. 6: Best Male Breakout Star

Chaske Spencer
The Twilight Saga: New Moon

I Didn’t Really Give a Damn Either Way Nomination No. 1: Best Female Performance

Kristen Stewart
The Twilight Saga: New Moon

Uh-DUH Nomination No. 1: Best Male Performance

Taylor Lautner
The Twilight Saga: New Moon

Shameless Fangirl Nomination No. 7: Best Comedic Performance

Bronson Pelletier
The Twilight Saga: New Moon

I just kinda picked a wolf guy here.

Uh-DUH Nomination No. 2: Global Superstar

Taylor Lautner

Uh-DUH Nomination No. 3: Best Movie

The Twilight Saga: New Moon

Wanna vote?

Click here to go to MTV’s voting site. You have to register to vote, and you might have to write in all your votes using the form at the bottom of each voting page because they’re form is all wonky.

Could everyone who got tweeted by Chaske Spencer today please raise you hand?

Oh, wait. That was me.

So why was Chaske thanking me, you ask? My best guess is because of all the promotion the wolf girls and I have been doing for his effort to raise awareness about the plight of the Cheyenne River Sioux Tribe. Why he singled me out to thank, I don’t know. I’m grateful, but I’m definitely not alone among Twilight fans trying to help out this cause.

Visit ShiftThePowerToThePeople.Org and find out more about what’s happening and what you can do. You can also watch the PSA below. And be sure to follow @ShiftThePower on Twitter!

Please don’t ignore this, guys. People are suffering and dying needlessly, and there’s something you can do about it. The things you can do are easy and won’t take very long at all. So please take a few minutes and visit the site and help these people get the aid they need.

So You’ve Decided to Follow Me

First of all, welcome to my Twitter world, my newest and dearest friend! I love new followers, it makes me feel even more narcissistic loved, and I almost always return the favor…

If you follow me, I’ll follow you back unless:

1. I think you’re a bot.

2. You’re a 14-year-old Justing Beiber/Jonas Brothers fan. No offense, but I’m 29 and it’s creepy for me to follow kids. My Taylor Lautner lust is all the creepy I need in my life.

3. ALL of your tweets are in another language (i.e. you do not appear to speak any English). I mean absolutely no offense by this, but if I can’t communicate with you, what’s the point?

So You’ve Noticed I Unfollowed You

“How could this happen? What did I do? What’s wrong with me! Is it something I said? *reads through previous tweets* No, it can’t possibly be that…”

I will likely unfollow you if:

1. You take a shit ton of quizzes and/or DM me about it.

2. zOMG YOU CONSISTENTLY TWEET IN ALL CAPS.

3. You weird me out.*

4. You talk mad shit on Taylor. I can deal with Jacob hate – It sucks and I’ll probably flame your for it, but worse case scenario I’ll unfollow you and follow you a couple of days later when I get over it. However, Taylor hate is unforgivable. I hope you die, you filthy, filthy cum dumpster whore.

So You’ve Decided I’m an Asshole

It’s OK, I understand. No, really. Yes, I know, I know, it’s not me, it’s you.

Reasons Why You’ll Probably Unfollow Me

1. I swear like a drunken sailor witnessing a puppy holocaust.

2. I’m abrasive. I have an abrasive sense of humor. I have an abrasive temper. I also have it on excellent authority that I’m an asshole.

3. I say shit like “totes” and “srsly.” Plus I use this “xD” in every goddamn tweet. I mean really, how annoying is that?

4. I talk about smut constantly. Like srsly, I need to get laid.

So there it is, gentle reader. I’ll probably update this periodically with any new standards I feel you cannot possibly live without reading. Please return to your everyday activities and remember to light four candles at the Chimaera shrine you pray to every night.

I’m mostly kidding.

*I’m hard to weird out. Chances are I’ll weird you out first (see above). Saying bizarre shit about kids is a good example of how to get unfollowed. o_0

She says one part of the shoot is set at an outdoor shower (she was unsure about whether it was an outdoor shower) with Rob standing in front of a nude model on her knees in front of him tugging on his unzipped jeans.

She says another set shows Rob sitting in a chair with the nude model on his lap. His hands are on her breasts and the model is holding onto his shoulder with her back arched with a look of ecstacy on her face.

She also indicated more would be known about the shoot Feb. 23.

Please take these details with a grain of salt. We have no idea of any of this is true. Am13er stressed that these details were heresay because she did not see the photos first hand saying, “There’s a possibility that it’s all bullshit, either way I’m excited.”

What is true, however, is the atrocious ways some Robsten shippers are reacting to these details. Am13er tweeted the following to several people:

srsly though i cant believe people are wishing he gets a manwhore disease or aids because of a DESCRIPTION of pics O_o

This isn’t the first I’ve heard of this today. AIDS? These fucks want him to get AIDS because he did a photoshoot with a model who wasn’t Kristen? Those hardcore shippers are the same ones who say we Nonstenners are the delusional ones. C’mon, you freaks. It’s a goddamn photoshoot. Get a hold of yourselves. Seriously, you people shouldn’t be allowed outside without helmets.

They come in all colors, so you can pick the one that matches your straight jacket. Retard.

Besides, you should all be celebrating! The Robsten manip potential of this photoshoot is astronomical. Just think of all the ways you can paste Kristen’s head on that nude model’s body! How exciting for you! Of course your manips will still be filthy, filthy lies, but you won’t have to worry about that until you’re riding the short bus to the seventh circle of hell for perpetuating this kind of fuckery.

Names have been altered to protect the impossibly nerdy…

—

Editor’s Note: If you received notification that you have been “tagged” in this note, it is because I felt you would appreciate what I had to say, or I thought you would think it was funny. The only people who are actually in this note are Rainy M. and I. By the way, Josh can stop reading now because he’s already seen this. I’m sorry I wasted his precious fucking time. Go back to the beach in fucking Hawaii, where you live and do the same fucking job I do in goddamned Oklahoma. Fucker.

Oh, hey, I guess you ARE in this note now. Happy? I hope so…

Rainy wrote:

Hey Chim, it’s me, your roommate, Rainy, I’ve decided to just use commas, who cares, it’s just words, as a copy editor i’m assuming that typing like this is pretty annoying to you, fuck it i’m even gonna use a semicolon; what the fuck is that thing? is it a comma or a period? last time I checked you can’t be both; or can you? such is the life of the semicolon.

-Love; Rainy

Chimaera2009 wrote:

Pig Fucker, can I call you Pig Fucker? Great.

Pig Fucker, it’s important that you appreciate the subtlety the semicolon brings to writing. It’s stronger than a comma but not as strong as a period. It creates a breath between two closely related thoughts. It gives the reader time to pause and take in the thought before being approached by the next. Using a period when a semicolon would be more appropriate would be like hacking someone in half — he should be a whole person, but he’s not; he’s lying there in a pool of his own blood and feces because you just couldn’t understand how the semicolon works.

Similarly, a comma where a semicolon should be is too forward. It’s like the girl who just wants to be friends; you have lots in common, but you’re just too different to be that close. By using a comma, you are forcing yourself upon someone. So you see, Pig Fucker, if you use a comma where a semicolon would be proper, you’re a rapist.

Robsten shippers creamed their collective jeans today when pictures surfaced of Robert Pattinson and Kristen Stewart with the same fan in London.

OK here’s the deal…

Does that picture show Rob and Kristen in the same city with the same fan?

Yes.

Does Kristen have any business being in London for any other reason than making kissy faces at Rob?

Shit, maybe.

Do I give a fuck?

No.

Why?

I could give a shit about Robsten. Personally, I’m DropThemBothOffACliffsten.

What I DO care about is making Robstenners cry. That’s what I want. I want them to suffer. I want them to pay for every disgusting manip. I want them to pay for every photo of Taylor and Kristen with Rob’s face pasted over Taylor’s. I want them to pay for every picture of Rob, Kristen and Taylor with Taylor cropped out. I want them to pay for ruining Edward and Bella for me.

I want them to pay in TEARS.

That’s why I’ll never give in. Despite any evidence. I’m going to be that stubborn bitch they all curse because even in the face of a 24-hour Robsten sex marathon on Skinemax, I’ll still be shouting, “NONSTEN FOR EVAH!!!!!!!!!!!”

Oh, and while we're on the subject, which of you fuckers is responsible for THIS?

Today’s awwwwwww: The new/old photo of Rob and his sisters.

“]

Robert, Victoria and Elizabeth pattinson when they were children. All together now: AWWWWWWWW! [Insert Village of the Damned joke here

Today’s fuckhawt: Taylor Lautner’s last workout of 2010. Holy mother of GAWD. Bicep porn! Check out that ASS! Is it February yet? No?! I’m going to PRISON!

Today’s picspam: Kellan Lutz in Miami for New Year’s Eve

Today’s cause: Get Chaske Spencer to 40,000 followers! Follow @therealchaske on Twitter!

Today’s quote:

There is no female empowerment, only self-empowerment. Your gender is incidental – don’t use it as a source of self-esteem … or as a crutch.

- Me, waxing philosophical

Then it hit me.

My mother had told me a few years ago that my dad had two children from his first marriage, Jeff and Jandy. I grew up an only child. I had never met or spoken to either of them … until now.

The woman on the phone was my sister.

“OH!” I exclaimed, and then I laughed, “Hey, sis!”

I don’t know why it didn’t register with me that my long-lost sister would not call me so late on a weeknight bearing good news.

She began to tell me about my dad.

“They found him on the floor of his bedroom this afternoon,” she said.

A hole opened in the pit of my stomach. He was gone.

No.

As she told me about the recent heart problems he had been having and the blood clot that ultimately killed him and that my aunt Donna had been trying to contact me today, I began to crumble into a sobbing pile of disbelief.

My dad left when I was 7. His work took him to Kansas, and my mom didn’t want to leave her solid job or uproot me from school and my friends in Oklahoma. They remained separated for a couple of years before divorcing when I was 9.

I had an odd relationship with him. Mom was the glue that held us together. She was the one who insisted we call each other, that we visit each other as often as possible. She had painful memories of her father and wanted something better for me. He visited every so often, either I would go to Kansas or he would come down to Oklahoma for a day. I remember when he would leave, I would stand in the road and watch his truck drive away. He would raise his hand out the window and wave slowly, and I would watch his truck until it turned onto the main highway and I couldn’t see him anymore.

We spoke on the phone briefly on all the important days – birthdays, Father’s day, Thanksgiving, Christmas and after the Kansas or Kansas State vs. Oklahoma football games (to gloat/lament). We knew that we loved each other, but neither of us were very keen on intimacy. It’s just the way we were. We didn’t have to say it or hear it all the time. Both of us knew the other cared.

He had called me on Christmas Day. He told me about the procedure he had recently and about his heart trouble. The procedure was a shock treatment for his irregular heartbeat. He had been having some pain in his extremities, and the treatment had worked. He told me the pain was gone and he had “never felt better.”

At the time, I had no idea I only had five days left to talk to my dad.

Jandy was comforting. She was clearly distressed but had to be strong because she was saddled with the task of informing Danny’s youngest daughter that her father was dead. I felt bad for her. She had wanted Donna to tell me because I knew Donna. Jandy felt like a stranger who had no business breaking this kind of news to me. I thought she did a great job.

By the time I hung up the phone, I was on my knees on the floor, sobbing. My husband, Dave, was huddled over me. I felt bad for him, too. It’s hard to comfort someone at a time like this. You don’t know what to say. You want to make the pain go away, but you just can’t.

Thank God Trinity was asleep. She’s only 4. I’m probably not going to tell her about all this. It would be unnecessarily stressful for her. She might have faint memories of the three times she met her grandfather. Most likely of the time we all went to the zoo.

Grandpa keeps a hand on her as Trinity attempts to get a better look at the giant Galapagos sea turtles.

When she sees pictures of her grandpa, she calls him “the cowboy” because of the large cowboy hat he wears to formal events.

Me and my parents on my wedding day.

When I finally got a hold of myself, I remembered that Jandy had said neither she nor Donna were able to contact my mother. I suddenly wasn’t looking forward to what I was about to have to do.

I called my mom and told her to sit down. When I told her, she gasped. It was a noise I had heard before, but this one I would remember forever.

We sobbed together and talked for a long time. When we finally said goodbye, she made me promise to call if I needed to talk, and I made her do the same. I felt terrible for her. She was all alone in the house I grew up in. It was late, and there would be no one awake for her to talk to. She needed someone to be there for her, and I was 170 miles away with no means to get to her.

I went out for a smoke. Dave was on the phone with various people – his parents, our friends. I felt numb inside, but outside I was shaking violently from grief and the cold.

When we came inside, I sat in a chair and crumbled again. Dave came over and held me as I sobbed. After a couple of minutes, I pulled out my phone. Still sobbing, I searched for my dad’s cell phone number. I wanted to hear his voice. I called and hoped that no one answered.

Someone did.

“Stacy?” Jandy said. “I have his phone.”

She sounded heartbroken. She knew what I was doing. I suddenly felt worse.

“I’m so sorry!” I sobbed. “I was just…” I trailed off.

She began to tell me about all the pictures of me she had found in Dad’s house. There was one of me pulling him on a sled when I was 5 or 6 that had made her laugh pretty hard. Dad was so big, and I was pulling for all I was worth. I laughed, too.

We started to talk more, and she began to tell me about all the things she was doing to get Dad’s affairs in order. I was surprised. To my knowledge, Dad hadn’t had much of a relationship with Jandy, either. I assumed they had reconnected recently and was thankful someone was there to – at the very least – help Donna get everything worked out.

I’ve done a little bonding with my sister over the phone and hope to bond more with her and Jeff when I get to Kansas on Sunday. I’ve lost a father, but I may gain a sister and a brother.

God bless the silver lining.

UPDATE: My dad’s obituary has been posted online here.

In loving memory of my father,
Daniel Jacob Bishop
(May 25, 1939 – Dec. 30, 2009)

One day, I submitted a blog post about how Kellan Lutz totally showed AnnaLynne McCord’s tits to the paparazzi.

I see Paris, I see France ... HEY! BOOBS!

One of the Twifans admins, Cassandra – who refers to herself on the site as “Ms Monkey_Man (Resident Pitbull)” – posted this comment on my blog post.

“jesus…………….would everyone please stop posting these pictures. its like rubbing salt in the wounds.”

A bit of context: There is a big debate among Twilight fans over posting or linking to papparazzi videos and how it promotes what they do. With that context in mind, I replied:

“Dear Ms Monkey Man, please dismount the high horse. Thank you.”

Then – I shit you not – the bitch “pulled rank” on me:

“Dear Chimaera…………watch and learn my friend. Remember this moment. It will be the one and only time you get away with running the mouth. Next time, you have an issue with me, please refer to my page. Feel free to contact an admin if you have any other issues. Im sure it will be an ey opening experience for you. Let me give you the link where you can find them.”

Those who know me know that I’m not about to take some shit like that lying down. I sent the following e-mail to all the admins at Twifans.com, quoting the comments above and linking to the blog post about Kellan.

The subject line read “Your Resident Pitbull.” I considered using “Put a leash on your Resident Pitbull” but I was battling with my inner Snark Demon to keep this as professional as I could.

Dear Cassandra, Alison, Devri and Stina,

This e-mail is in reference to the following exchange with admin Cassandra under my blog post “Kellan unzips AnnaLynne’s shirt RIGHT IN FRONT OF THE PAPS!!!” on Twifans.com

Twifans admins,

You all may or may not like what I have to say here, but I am sending this e-mail to all of you because I feel there is a larger issue to be addressed. I don’t think it’s right to respond to a user “running the mouth” at a site administrator – in the context of a public discussion – with implicit threats of action against said user. If you disagree, well, it is indeed your Web site, and your right to do so.

Cassandra,

You posted a negative comment to my blog post, and I responded in kind with my opinion of what you said. I knew you were an admin. I’m not blind. And I’m no more intimidated by you than you are by me.

As for “running my mouth” – again, I responded to your comment with my own opinion of what you said. I felt you were being an uppity buzzkill, and I said so. You clearly couldn’t handle that so you implicitly “pulled rank” on me and threatened me with “It will be the one and only time you get away with running the mouth.”

Is this how you run your online community? By threatening people who disagree with you? By threatening people who talk back to you? I love Twifans.com. It’s the best place to find Twilight news first. That’s why I’m a member. Don’t ruin a good thing by stifling free speech.

“Watch and learn, my friend?” “Remember this moment?”

Cassandra, who do you think you are?

You help run a Twilight fan community. Is it your job as “Resident Pitbull” to threaten people who talk back to you with your ill-conceived sense of online omnipotence? Do you feel a proud swell in your chest when you throw your weight around like you did with me?

The worst you could do is ban me from the site. That’s it. Your power ends there. So don’t you dare threaten me just for disagreeing with you. At the end of the day, you’re a random face in the Twilight fandom just like me. Don’t forget that.

Very truly yours,

(I put my full real name),
AKA Chimaera2009

Dear Chimaera,

I just looked at the post and Ms Monkey Man posted a comment that is funny.

“jesus…………….would everyone please stop posting these pictures. its like rubbing salt in the wounds” Funny comment about seeing Emmett & AnneLynn.

Your comment about her dismounting from her high horse was insulting. And for no reasonable explanation for that comment to an admin. While Monkeys comments were blunt after your negative response to her email, she asked that you contact her privately if you have a problem with her. Which from your comment, it sounds like you do.

We have all now received your comments on Monkey and wish for you two not to communicate in the future. If you react to comments in that fashion to other members or admins on the site in an attacking manner we will have you removed.

Please read our site rules and follow them. Attacking another member is not allowed.

Dear Alison,

First I would like to address Cassandra just once more:

“”jesus…………….would everyone please stop posting these pictures. its like rubbing salt in the wounds” Funny comment about seeing Emmett & AnneLynn.”

Fair enough. I misinterpreted that as a comment about how we shouldn’t post paparazzi photos – a common complaint among (uppity) Twilight fans. My apologies to you, Cassandra.

Of course, Alison, that’s completely beside the point.

“If you react to comments in that fashion to other members or admins on the site in an attacking manner we will have you removed.”

You really didn’t understand anything I said in that e-mail, did you? I can rationalize not allowing “attacking” comments. But I told her to get off her high horse. Your grandma says that – that’s about as tame as it gets. Am I to understand that you don’t allow even the slightest of negative interaction between members of this social network? I would really like this clarified. Please include where you got the unicorns you ride to your fluffy-cloud fantasy Internet where no one disagrees with anyone.

As for having me removed, they may need to put me on suicide watch. But don’t cry for me – I’ll be strong.

“Please read our site rules and follow them. Attacking another member is not allowed.”

Tell that to your “Pitbull.”

Well you should know by now that the site and it’s admins are not uppity.

And if you are going to be insulting anyone then maybe you should learn how to take some back talk and stop tattle tailing.

X-O-X-O,

Alison

Then I pressed the “eject” button on my self-control …

Ho, please. I’ve said everything I feel needs to be said, including why I sent my message to all the admins. But I did so under the impression that I was dealing with other adults.

And THAT, ladies and gentlemen, is how I got banned from Twifans.